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My Ass

Post  kianwee on Sun Feb 15, 2009 4:18 pm

Once upon a time, there was an old miner who was traveling through the desert with his trusty mule of many years. All of a sudden, the mule fell over dead. The old man buried his old friend and put up a cross as a grave marker.
He wrote on the cross, "My Ass". Then he continued on his journey.
Years later a town grew nearby the grave. The road into town went right by the marker, so the town adopted the name out of respect for the dead mule.
It had become somewhat of an historical site. Then one day, a traveling salesman, who was lost, wondered into the old desert town, but did not notice the marker. He saw a man on the street and stopped to get directions.
The salesman asked, "Could you please tell me where I am?"
"Sure" replied the old man. "You are right on the edge of my ass."
The salesman was puzzled by what the man said, so he decided to ask someone else.
He thanked the man and continued to what appeared to be the downtown area. He saw another man walking down the street.
He asked, "Please sir, could you please tell me where I am, I seem to be lost."
The old man promptly replied, "No problem young fella. You are right smack dab in the middle of my ass!"
At this point the salesman decided that everyone in the little town was crazy and decided to leave. On the way out of town he spotted a seafood restaurant.
He had become quite hungry, so he decided to get something to eat before traveling on to the next town.
The waitress walked over and asked, "What will you have stranger?"
The man replied, "I think I will have the crab platter."
The waitress replied, "I am sorry sir, we are all out of crabs. "My husband looked all over my ass last night."
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That's my Chicken

Post  kianwee on Sun Feb 15, 2009 4:20 pm

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.
The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.
A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs; I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings; I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it.
He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!!"
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Who am I :?:

Post  kianwee on Sun Feb 15, 2009 4:25 pm

One Monday morning, a mailman was walking the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approached one of the houses, he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. He was wondering why the couple was home on a workday.
Just then, Bob, the homeowner, came out with a recycling bin full of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman commented.
Bob, still feeling cranky from the weekend, replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 AM Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing Who Am I?"
"How do you play that?" the mailman asked.
Bob answered, "Well that's when all us guys go in the bedroom and take off our clothes. Then we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through the opening in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughed and said, "Damn! I'm sorry I missed that!"
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob said. "Your name came up four or five times."
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Overconfidence

Post  kianwee on Sun Feb 15, 2009 4:29 pm

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said,
"But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
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Marriage

Post  kianwee on Sun Feb 15, 2009 4:33 pm

One day Lil Johny says to his father: I want to get married.
Father: Oh, so do you have someone special in your mind?
Johny: Yes, Grandma
Father: What? There is a problem now; you want to marry my Mother?
Johny: Why not? You married my mother!
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Re: Marriage

Post  Jay-K on Sun Feb 15, 2009 5:01 pm

haha these jokes r all very funny bt can u jus place them all in the same post?
also, pls limit urslf to jus 3 jokes per day

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Re: Marriage

Post  NASDAQ on Sun Feb 15, 2009 5:42 pm

Lol! Very Happy
The mailman joke should be censored.
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Re: Marriage

Post  shadowsnare on Sun Feb 15, 2009 7:06 pm

I heard the overconfidence one b4 but the other ones are quite gd too. And if u hav a lot of jokes at the same time then put them together in the same post lar

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Re: Marriage

Post  kianwee on Mon Feb 16, 2009 8:52 pm

If liddat then the whole post super cramped-up le lehs... You don't mind a super long joking post Question Exclamation
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Re: Marriage

Post  Jay-K on Mon Feb 16, 2009 9:04 pm

its ok la
like i said
limit urslf to 5 jokes per day

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Re: Marriage

Post  kianwee on Mon Feb 16, 2009 9:09 pm

I thought you said 3? So is it 3 or 5?
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Re: Marriage

Post  Jay-K on Mon Feb 16, 2009 9:15 pm

sry 3
3 jokes cant possibly make the whole page messy

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Re: Marriage

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